Thursday, August 31, 2017

Arizona Man Finds Spider-Scorpion Hybrid And None Of Us Will Ever Sleep Again

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As the old saying “ignorance is bliss” reminds us, there are some things in this world that we would all be so much happier not knowing about. Nuclear warfare? What’s that! Global warming? That’s not a thing! A Spider-scorpion hybrid? Wait… does that actually exist?

The extremely unfortunate answer to that horrific question is yes, spider-scorpion hybrids are a real thing, and one poor poor man in Arizona had to find that out for himself when he found one near his house. And this isn’t one of those cases where you hear “spider-scorpion hybrid” but it really just turns out to just be a somewhat scary-looking (but innocent) spider. No, this thing is genuinely cousins to both the common spider and the desert scorpion… so good luck sleeping tonight. The camel spider, also known as a wind scorpion (could these names get any scarier?), possesses traits of both a spider and a scorpion. While it definitely qualifies as an “arachnid”, the camel spider also has strong pinchers and an extremely large jaw, making it a bit more closely related to a scorpion. Thomas Acosta, a builder, recently came across the creature near his home in Phoenix, Arizona, where he has lived (camel spider-free) for the past 37 years.He told KGun9:“‘I didn’t know they are native to Arizona, I have seen camel spiders, but I heard of them in Iraq.” Below is the exact spider that Thomas found: Though they appear to have 10 legs, the camel spider technically only has eight, as the other two leg-like appendages are actually chelicerae. Chelicerae are the spider’s mouth, and are used to transfer sperm into a female spider’s gonopore, or reproductive tract. Lovely! If that wasn’t enough to make you shudder, the spider also flaunts the largest jaw-to-body ratio of any known animal, so just imagine how wide it can open its mouth! Fantastic! Because of its gigantic jaw, the camel spider can grow large enough to eat small lizards, rodents, and even birds. It was for this reason that Thomas said he would be seeking out an exterminator immediately, citing: “We do have a small pet, and I wouldn’t want anything to hurt her, she’s kind of old.” Yeah, Thomas, no kidding. If you didn’t get an exterminator then we would be seriously concerned about your well-being. The good news (kind of) is that although they look absolutely terrifying, camel spiders actually are not venomous, so if you ever come across one, it is unlikely to hurt you in any way. Which, frankly, will not be that comforting of information to know if you do encounter one of these beasts, and will probably not be enough to keep you from screaming like a four-year-old and running away with tears in your eyes. If you’ve come to the end of this and have the sensation that a thousand ghost spiders are crawling over your body, then welcome to the joyous world of arachnophobia! One this is for sure: I can barely handle killing the minuscule spiders that I find in my home on occasion, I certainly would never recover from seeing a camel spider in person. Whelp, guess I’ll never get to know what Arizona is like.

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Mom Criticizes Her Sons Wife for Not Cleaning the HouseHis Response Knocks Her Dead Silent

‘Game Of Thrones’ Finale Recap: Winter Came

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Well friends, we’ve made it through another season of and what’s really fucking me up about this finale is that it didn’t give us a mind-numbing plot twist, horrifying death, or really anything that we didn’t expect. In fact, with the exception of maybe the death of Littlefinger (which I totally called but it’s fine), we all predicted just about everything that was going to happen in this finale. Jon and Dany banging? Check. Cersei somehow fucking up this truce? Check. Zombie Viserion wrecking the wall? Check. And yet, I’m still sitting here, two hours after the credits rolled, unable to formulate coherent thoughts.

Because it was so damn good.

Season seven was kind of crazy in that it gave us almost everything we wanted?? Sure, there were setbacks, but minimal ones when you consider the things we’ve suffered in the past. I spent most of this finale cheering when I fully expected myself to be on the ground weeping. But that’s the magic of : even when you know exactly what’s coming, you aren’t ready.

KING’S LANDING

Let’s just say that in a show of many amazing scenes and heart-wrenching reunions, nothing compares to the great Treaty of King’s Landing we were treated to at the opening. As Tyrion astutely points out later, no one gathered here likes each other. Actually, most of them openly despise each other. And yet, they’ve all come together to glare and discuss the possibility that all their petty shit doesn’t really compare to the army of zombies slowly marching their way. It’s a treat. There are so many beautiful single interactions, it’s hard to gloss over them all.

First and foremost, Bronn sitting at the top of Highgarden, looking over the thousands of Unsullied soldiers and contemplating life without a penis is the single best representation of every straight man that I’ve ever had to interact with in my life.

Bronn: What could you possibly do without a dick?
Me: A whole lot fucking better, tbh.

Also Bronn acting as the welcoming party to a bunch of people who have tried to murder each other is everything this already tense event needed. Like yeah, send out Ser Bronn of the Blackwater to be an emissary. He’s the face we want representing us.

Jaime’s face while he listens to Cersei give the Mountain detailed instructions on who to murder first kind of makes me think this is the first time he’s recognizing how truly insane she is. Like…my dude….she blew up a church with hundreds of people in it. What did you really expect here?

Cersei: Where the fuck is the dragon queen? Why didn’t she sail with the rest of them?
Me: We all know her dramatic ass is about to soar in here on the back of Drogon. Cersei, PLEASE.

Can we all take a minute to appreciate Jon Snow walking around in the near tropical climate of King’s Landing in full Northern furs? We get it. You’re a king. You still sweat.

Last but certainly not least, Brienne and the Hound bonding over the fact that they’d both do just about anything to make sure Arya survives warmed what little part of my heart that this show hasn’t decimated.

The entire crew comes together in the long abandoned dragon pit. If that seems like some obvious foreshadowing, it’s because it is. This pit is where dragons withered away and eventually died, kind of like how this truce is about to go.

Cersei attempts a dramatic entrance after Jon, Tyrion, and their entire assorted crew has taken their places. What she doesn’t know but will soon be very familiar with: No one is more dramatic than Deanerys Targaryen.


 

Hound: You’re even uglier than I am now
Mountain:
Hound: Yeah, well, this has been nice. Burn in hell.

The brief reunion of the Clegane brothers does little for the single most awkward silence that settles in as everyone waits for the Mother of Dragons to ride her ass into this treaty. Luckily, they don’t have to wait long.

Drogon:
Jaime:
Cersei:

While she’s doing a very convincing job of playing it cool, Cersei’s mask drops for a second when Drogon lands in the pit. She’s nervous, and not for the last time during this meeting. While I get that this is a big dramatic show of power, all I can really think about are all those spoiled children who rode elephants into their birthday parties on . 

Once everyone is seated and have re-secured their thoroughly snatched wigs, Tyrion attempts to start conversations. Unfortunately, he has yet to experience the singularly annoying experience of being in the vicinity of Euron Greyjoy.

Dark Pacey Witter stands up and immediately tells Theon that he has Yara and will kill her if Theon doesn’t submit then and there. Sir. Please read the room.

Tyrion: Who the fuck are you?
Euron: Your sister’s fiancĂ©.
Tyrion: Honestly idk which one of you I feel worse for.

Even Cersei is fucking annoyed with Euron and tells him to shut up and sit down. Marriage is going to be super fun for these two.

Tyrion starts off logically by pointing out the one thing they all have in common: no one in this circle likes each other.  No one can disagree here, but still not a great reason for a meeting. At this point Jon jumps in with his likely now trademarked speech about the Army of the Dead. Usually this performance brings a room to its knees, but Jon has never been a room with Cersei Lannister. She’s unmoved, even when Dany chimes in and promises a truce until after the White Walkers are dealt with.

Enter the Hound, with a crate strapped to his back carrying the wight. I feel like there were probably better means of transportation here, but it’s fine. After a prolonged silence, the wight jumps out and immediately lunges for Cersei. If only they’d let it take her out, we could have solved half of the group’s issues in the first five minutes of the episode. But clearly their expedition was worth it because, finally, Cersei's resolve cracks. She is visibly shook, along with everyone in attendance. Except for Qyburn of course, who is visibly aroused at the sight of a real life zombie.

In a move that shouldn’t have surprised anyone, Euron immediately bails, and announces that he’ll be taking his fleet back to the Iron Island, where they will be safe from White Walkers. Sure, wights can’t swim, but they’ve got a dragon. This plan seems flawed to me, and yet no one is stopping him, probably because they are all openly hoping Euron is the first to go.

If you thought Cersei immediately accepting that truce was far too easy, it’s because it was. Yeah, she’s down to put their differences aside to fight the Army of the Undead, but only if Jon agrees to stay neutral in the ensuing war between her and Dany. Clearly she didn’t see their epic handholding session last week.

Cersei knows that Ned Stark’s son would be too honorable to make a fake vow in front of every important person in Westeros, and she’s absolutely right. Which is why Jon, the man who is has been campaigning for peace in the face of the White Walkers at all fucking costs for the past six years, calmly and clearly denies her request.

Dany: Um that was cute but also what the fuck
Tyrion: You know what’s super cool, Jon? Lying.
Jon: HONOR.

Cersei storms off with Jaime and company in tow, and not even an impassioned plea from Brienne can get him to stick around. It is Cersei’s world and Jaime is just living in it. Now that Jon has tanked the truce that he has spent almost this entire show working towards, it’s become a fun game of “who is Cersei least likely to murder right now” as they all decide who to send in to try and talk some sense into her.

Tyrion wins out in the end and opts to go try and convince Cersei to drop her ego in favor of not being turned into a zombie. Could you imagine a wight Cersei Lannister? Bye bye, Night King. There’s a new bitch in town and she looks good in black.

He runs into Jaime on his way to his likely death and honestly, can we all just take a second and imagine the lovely life these two could have had if Cersei weren’t around? Imagine the laughter. The joy. The not always thinking about murdering each other. What fun.

Cersei and Tyrion sitting here and hashing out 20-plus years’ worth of resentment is honestly the most realistic thing that’s ever happened on this show. It’s like any family holiday after the kids have gone to sleep and your mom and her sister are four bottles of wine deep. Secrets are coming out.

Tyrion: Fucking kill me.
Cersei:
Tyrion: Man I did not see that coming, where is the wine?

With all their feuding and hatred for each other I have completely failed to notice that the only thing these two have in common is their inhumane love of wine. Together they probably singlehandedly keep the Westerosi wine industry afloat.

In the end, I think Tyrion’s saving grace is that Cersei knows he truly did care for Myrcella and Tommen, whose deaths she completely blames on him. Killing Tywin made the Lannisters weak, and circling families moved in and started hacking away at their power. She tries to go on some lengthy speech about family over all, but Tyrion cuts her off immediately with the realization that she’s pregnant. He figured it out faster than I did, and I watched the episode where she actually announced it.

Back in the dragon pit, Jon and Dany have gone into their own secret pow wow, rehashing the fact that their grand plan is essentially went up in smoke because of Jon’s giant crush on her.

Dany talks about how chaining up dragons was the beginning of the end for her family and how their death brought the realization that without dragons, the Targaryens were nothing. This might be her projecting a bit after the loss of Viserion, but best boyfriend in the world Jon Snow is having none of that self-deprecating bullshit. He believes in her, with or without dragons, with or without children, and especially with or without clothing if you catch my drift.

Dany: I can’t have children.
Jon: Who told you that?
Dany: This random blood witch who murdered my husband and spoke exclusively in riddles.
Jon: Ah yes, a trusted source then.

Honestly I’ve never watched two people eye-fuck each other so aggressively while discussing the impending apocalypse. Someone get these two a room STAT.

Tyrion walks back into the arena and everyone is shocked to see him alive. They’re even more shocked about what follows…Cersei and her entire squad. She’s agreed to the truce under some new rules: The Lannister armies will not stand down, but they will march North to fight alongside Jon and Dany.

Spoiler alert: She’s lying. It’s this thing adults do. Someone please explain it to Jon.

Cersei: When all this shit is done, maybe all you assholes can remember that I agreed to help despite the fact that you’re all going to try and murder me anyway.
Jon: Noted.
Dany:

WINTERFELL

Up North, Sansa finally finds out that Jon has bent the knee to Dany and she is less than psyched. To be fair, without any context this is kind of a big deal and you know Jon’s eloquence in war battles does not extend to letters to his sister. In modern times, Jon Snow definitely reads iMessage novels and responds with a “K.” His letter probably went something like “Sansa, I am bending the knee to Dany. Talk soon. X. Jon. PS – Winter is Coming.” Thanks for the overwhelming lack of details.


 

Sansa: I can’t believe he’d do this
Littlefinger: I mean…Daenerys is crazy hot
Sansa: What does that have to do with anything?
Littlefinger: …oh right, you’re like 15, huh.

Baelish is not so subtly implying that Sansa should overthrow Jon and if that means getting rid of Arya in the process…so be it. He puts the idea in Sansa’s head that Arya only came back to kill Sansa for betraying their family and marrying their enemies. He convinces her that Arya’s grand plot is to become Lady of Winterfell, despite the fact that Arya has made it clear she’s never wanted to rule anything. I swear to GOD if this isn’t just some ploy by Arya and Sansa to kill Littlefinger and they actually turn on each other I will lose my goddamn mind.

The good news is I’m a prophet, and that’s exactly what it was.

DAGONSTONE

Jon, Dany, and the team are already strategizing their move North. Jorah suggests that Dany fly to Winterfell to avoid coming into contact with any lingering enemies in the North, but Jon argues that arriving together will actually help the Northerners believe that Dany and Jon are allies. Also, all that romantic travel time together? Can you imagine?

Dany decides to sail together, because riding in on a dragon might look like she’s there to fuck shit up rather than save everyone. Jorah, assuredly back in the friend zone, takes this loss in stride. Jon, victorious, is surely en route to pound town.

Theon pulls Jon aside to rehash the incident in King’s Landing and discuss his general role in the fall of the Starks.

Theon: So…you told Cersei the truth…when you could have lied.
Jon: Yeah I think we’ve all covered that at this point.

Until this moment I kind of forgot that Jon and Theon really did grow up together. But while Theon sits there and recounts all the times that Jon was right, even when he was young, it makes you remember that once upon a time, everyone wasn’t trying to murder each other all the time. I’m nostalgic for something I never even got to experience because this show has effectively turned me into a puddle of unnecessary and unwanted emotion. Jon and Theon were both unwanted sons whose only saving grace was that Ned Stark had too much honor to do anything other than raise them as his own. I’m not crying. It’s fine.

Jon: I’ve done a lot of things I regret.
Theon: Not compared to me.
Jon: No shit, you’re actual garbage.

Theon’s come-to-Jesus moment about doing the right thing is cute, but honestly so poorly timed. Like dude, there are some fairly pressing matters to attend to but sure, let’s discuss your daddy issues right now.

Jon: I forgive you, you spineless worm.

Theon:

Jon’s speech about Theon not having to choose his identity between Greyjoy and Stark is some very serious foreshadowing for the undoubtedly near future when Jon finds out he’s got a similar decision to make: Stark or Targaryen. What are the odds that Bran busts in moments after him and Dany are done banging to let him know that they are in fact related? Considering Brann’s general lack of timing or usefulness, I’m going to go with Very High.

Theon lets Jon know that he’s finally grown a pair and is going to go save Yara. Hope he wasn’t looking for any kind of congratulations, because he absolutely isn’t getting one from the Honorable Jon Snow, who would have busted Euron’s door down three weeks ago to save his sister.


 

The rest of the Iron Islanders are not so moved by Theon’s sudden surge of bravery. They have no plans to rescue Yara, and instead are looking to save themselves and hide out until Winter passes.

Iron Islander: We’re going to sail to a quiet island, kill all the men, rape the women, and then build a life on their graves.
Theon: Calm down, Christopher Columbus.

A fight ensues in which Theon gets wrecked in front of all his men, likely losing any last bits of respect they might have for him. All in a day’s work for poor Reek.

Iron Islander: Stay down or I will kill you.
Theon: Promise?

The tides turn when the dude goes to knee Theon in the balls and is met with no resistance. Like, Theon actually smiles while the guy is going to town on his crotch. At this point, every other man watching this fight take place immediately switches sides because no one wants to be against the guy who laughs while he’s getting kicked in the dick.

For potentially the first time in his life, Theon wins. His men applaud him, and they’re off on their way to save Yara. Better late than never, I guess.

WINTERFELL

Sansa summons Arya to the Great Hall for what I’m really hoping is a big fake display of tension that ends in the murder of Littlefinger. I mean, Brann is there. What could possibly go wrong?

Arya looks a bit uneasy surrounded by soldiers. Sansa tells her that what’s about to happen isn’t something that she wants to do but something that she has to do for the North, and then proceeds to start listing charges. Murder and treason are on the table, and someone needs to answer to them. But who is that person?

MOTHER FUCKING PETYR BAELISH. THAT’S RIGHT. NO ONE FUCKS WITH THE STARKS.


 

Sansa: How do you plea?
Arya: My sister asked you a question.
Petyr: * KILL BILL SIRENS *

Sansa starts reading off the charges that Baelish has racked up since season one and honestly, it is wild. I forgot half the shit he’s pulled, including instigating the conflict between the Starks and the Lannisters aka the reason everyone is in this mess in the first place. Maybe another day, Petyr could talk his way out of this, but that was before Bran, Master of Receipts showed up to start taking people down. Fucking finally.

Baelish: I loved your mother since I was a boy.
Sansa: Sucks.
Baelish: I loved you more than anyone.
Sansa: Yikes.

Sansa thanks Petyr for all he’s taught her and then lets Arya slice his throat. This entire room of hard-ass Northerners watches him bleed out on the floor and

I
AM
LIVING.

Sansa: * Commands the death of Petyr Baelish after he spent years plotting against her family, manipulating her, and generally being a giant fucking creep *
Me: Skin clears, hair shining, crops flourishing, credit score raising, living my best life.

KING’S LANDING

Cersei interrupts Jaime’s strategy session to let him know that he’s a fucking idiot for believing anything she’s ever said. Fair.

Cersei: I have no intention of helping them fight the White Walkers and I never did.

All of us:

 
Sure, she’s completely betrayed everyone again and did the one thing Jon wouldn’t do, but Cersei makes a pretty fair point: If dragons and the Dothraki and Jon, the zombie expert, can’t take out the White Walkers, what good would a southern army do? Cersei knows that Dany is down a dragon which means something is up. She’s confident that the army of the Iron Bank, the 20,000 strong Golden Company made up of mercenaries, will come through for them once Jon and Dany have defeated the Army of the Dead, and she knows this because Euron left their little powwow and sailed straight to Essos to recruit them.

Cersei: No one walks away from me.
Jaime: Yeah I’m starting to see that.

Jaime is pissed that Cersei conspired with Euron behind his back and tells her that he’s going to honor his pledge and take their armies North anyway. Cersei threatens to charge him with treason, and for the second time this episode one of Cersei’s brothers dares her to kill him. However, this time, she doesn’t seem to hesitate.

That’s right. Cersei came closer to killing Jaime then she did Tyrion, and that is the single most shocking thing to happen in this finale. Not even I, the great prophet, saw it coming.

Sure, Jaime does walk away in the end, but there was a moment where we all weren’t sure if he would. Like that, Cersei has severed her last true ally, the only one who cares about her and not her power.
As Jaime rides away, hopefully North, hopefully into Brienne’s steady and strong arms, it begins to snow. In the South. This does not bode well for anyone, but especially not for all those poor souls in Fleabottom.

POUND TOWN

Sam and Gilly arrive in Winterfell, and Sam heads straight to see Brann. I realize this is going to be an important conversation but I’m already mad that I have to listen to it.

Sam: What happened to you beyond the wall?
Brann: A lot of not chill shit.

Bran gives Same an explanation of the Three Eyed Raven business that he should have given Sansa and Arya about two weeks ago. He also tells Sam that Jon is en route to Winterfell with Daenerys, and that he needs to know the truth about who he is ASAP.

Sam: What are you talking about?
Bran: R + L = J
Sam: Of course.

For real, Bran just fucking lays out the entirety R + L = J for Sam and the whole world stopped, as if we all haven’t known this to be absolutely true for the past year.

Bran: Yeah so his last name should be Sand. Wild right.
Sam:

Somehow, Sam brings a little fact to the table that magic-ass Bran didn’t know: Jon isn’t a bastard. Just like the scroll that Gilly read told us all two weeks ago, Rhaegar annulled his marriage to Elia and married Lyanna in secret. Bran has a vision to support this seconds later.

These two giant fucking nerds are having the epiphany of a lifetime in a quiet room in Winterfell: that Robert’s entire rebellion was built on a literal throne of lies. Jon is legitimate, the heir to the throne, and this entire voiceover is occurring as he heads to Daenerys’ room, his AUNT’S ROOM, for some sweet, sweet, incestuous sex.

That sound you heard Sunday night was every single person in America screeching at the exact same time.

The voiceover also heavily implies that Jon and Dany are in love and that sound you hear is the screeching of every single person in America as we all openly root for incest. Can’t wait for all of this to come crashing down when they both arrive to Winterfell and Bran drops some knowledge on them.

Jon finding out he fell in love with his aunt:

Dany finding out that she fell in with her rival: 

Lyanna: His name is Aegon.
Ned: JON YOU SAY? A FINE NAME.

Like. Yes. We all knew this was the truth. We all knew this would happen. But listening to Bran’s monotone voice fucking confirm that Jon, the bastard who has suffered everything, was never really a bastard at all and in fact the one true heir to the Iron Throne while he and Dany stare lovingly into each other’s eyes, butt-ass naked, is going to be the end of me. I’m calling in sick to work for the rest of the week. No one talk to me.

Engrave “He’s never been a bastard. He’s the heir to the Iron Throne” on my fucking gravestone.

WINTERFELL

Sansa and Arya bonding over the cold-blooded murder of Littlefinger is the only thing keeping me from passing out at this moment. The two of them sit there, compliment and insult each other, and then quote Ned and it’s fine we’re all just sobbing.

Down at the Weirwood, acting like he hasn’t just singlehandedly ruined and saved all our lies, Brann is having yet another vision. In it, Tormund and Beric are holding down the fort at Eastwatch, looking out into that vast expanse of the North.

Except, by holding down the fort, I mean watching as the entire White Walker army comes marching out of the trees towards the wall. There’s a noticeable addition to their ranks: Viserion, who shows up to shoot some blue fire at the wall and also directly into my god damn heart. To make matters worse, THE NIGHT KING IS RIDING HIM. SURE. FINE. THIS IS FINE.

Tormund and Beric don’t even fuck around with pretending to try and fight. They just start screaming, letting everyone know that it’s time to get the fuck out of there. You know what’s really effective at tearing down a giant magical ice wall that’s stood for centuries? Zombie dragon fire. No one even has to yell Dracarys. Viserion just goes to town on the wall and an entire section of it crumbles down like it’s made of Legos.

Just like that, the White Walkers have breached the wall and begin their march into the North. Meanwhile, Jon and Dany are hanging out on their love boat, blissfully unaware that they’re related and sailing towards imminent death.

It's fine. Really.

Oh, and we won’t get to find out what happens until 2019, which gives us plenty of time to recover, reflect, and then immediately start writing think pieces about how this all goes down. The only thing I can sit here and say with 100% confidence is that it's not going to be a happy ending for anyone.

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10 Wedding Pics Of Prosecco Vans That Will Give You FOMO If You Don’t Have One

Sponsored by  our friends from Met001.biz 
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Just when you thought everything had been conveniently invented, you couldn't be more wrong. The Prosecco van is literally everything wine lovers could ask for to make their wedding extra bubbly and chic. Say goodbye to your amusement for food trucks and book a Prosecco van for your special day.

There's something beautiful about getting your sparkling wine out of an adorable van. Also, it beats getting stuck at the bar for who knows how long at a wedding, right? Park the Prosecco van outdoors and enjoy your winewhile getting some fresh air. If you aren't already convinced you need to jump on the Prosecco bandwagon, a few pics of these vans all dolled up and in action may change your mind.

1. Don'tMiss Out On The Cuteness Overload

Add some flowery flair to one of these babies, and you're even sold. This bar on wheels stands out and can be an unforgettable item for your special day. Not to mention, it's super Instagram-worthy.

2. Is It Too Late To Ask For One For Christmas?

You don't even have to be a wine lover to appreciate the innovation this van boasts. And if you're a passionate wine enthusiast, you're thanking the sip gods for this creation. Several cheers are in order.

3. It'sThe Ultimate Prop For Wedding Pics

Neither the bride or groom will be mad at this van for third wheeling their special day. It's the perfect addition to a time to celebrate. Also, could you ask for a better prop for photos?

4. Seriously, This Wine Comes With A Chic Set Of Wheels

The van won't necessarily be moving, but we'd be crazy not to try and wrap our heads around the idea that it does. It's almost as epic as when you discovered the beauty of the ice cream truck. Now #adulting has its own variation.

5. The Decor Options Are Endless

Maybe everyone will sip the same way, but that doesn't mean your color scheme has to be the same as the last person's. As simple as this wine innovation may seem, you can get creative with how you decide to decorate it. Nothing can take away from this van'sawesomeness.

6. Even The Pup Approves Of The Epic-ness

You know what they say;If your dog doesn't approve of something, chances are, it's evil and you need to stay far away. Now, notice the extremely welcoming pup in this shot? The defense rests.

7. Some Things Really Are Prettier In Pink

Regardless of what color it comes in, you'd be wrong to miss out on a Prosecco van. Forget about it matching the table napkins. Does it pair well with those wine enthusiast taste buds of yours? Then you're good.

8.LetThe Good Times, Literally, Roll

Again, the only things that should be moving are your feet toward the direction of this boozy brilliance. It's on . The van has no other choice but to roll you into some good times.

9. Why Wasn't This Invented Sooner?

Yes, our prayers have been answered. But no matter how overly content we are with this creation, the impatient person in us all is asking why it took so long. Great things come to those who wait, I guess.

10. By Now, You're Exhausted From Swooning

So you came, you saw, and now it's time to conquer. Whether you're a guest, or actually planning a wedding, it's time to reserve your date with this beauty. Hurry, because everyone else's thoughts are in the same place.

Sometimes,people refrain from jumping on the bandwagon. No one mentioned there would be wine on this wagon, though. So, hop, skip, jump, or whatever you need to do to experience one of these Prosecco vans.

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Trump-like inflatable chicken pops up near White House

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A giant inflatable chicken with golden locks is back at the White House.

Back in April the so-called "Trump chicken" became a mascot during the Tax March. Now the inflatable poultry with a Trump-like hairdo is back, popping up Wednesday in the Ellipse park just behind the White House.

Many noticed something was different and pointed out the golden-haired chicken Wednesday.

One news station even had a Facebook Live of the chicken shot.

This man claimed responsibility for todays chicken display. He told HuffPost that Trump is too chicken to release his tax returns and stand up to Russian president Vladimir Putin. He reportedly spent $1,300 on his visual protest.

Inflatable chickens are available on eBay for $500. They look almost identical to the Trump rooster statue that popped up in China last year. The chicken spotted at the White House Wednesday seems to make appearances every so often.

Too bad Trump is still in Bedminster, New Jersey, missing out on all the D.C. fun.

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Amazon Cuts Whole Foods Prices as Much as 43% on First Day

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Amazon.com Inc. spent its first day as the owner of a brick-and-mortar grocery chain cutting prices at Whole Foods Market as much as 43 percent.

In a sign of how the retailer is changing, the Amazon Echo, a voice-activated electronic assistant, was also for sale, for $99.99 -- a sharp pivot into electronics for a company known for kale and quinoa. The Echo Dot, a smaller version, was advertised for $44.99.

The tech giant’s $13.7 billion purchase of Whole Foods has sent shock waves through the already changing $800 billion supermarket industry. The wedding between Amazon and the upscale grocery promises to upend the way customers shop for groceries. Cutting prices at the chain with such an entrenched reputation for high cost that its nickname is Whole Paycheck is a sign that Amazon is serious about taking on competitors such as Wal-Mart Stores Inc., Kroger Co. and Costco Wholesale Corp.

How Amazon’s Price Cuts May Not Solve Whole Foods’ Problems: Gadfly

At the store on East 57th Street in Manhattan, organic fuji apples were marked down to $1.99 a pound from $3.49 a pound; organic avocados went to $1.99 each from $2.79; organic rotisserie chicken fell to $9.99 each from $13.99, and the price of some bananas was slashed to 49 cents per pound from 79 cents. The marked-down items had orange signs reading “Whole Foods + Amazon.” The signs listed the old price, the new price and “More to come.”

Discounts were comparable at other Whole Foods stores in San Francisco and Seattle. Amazon declined to comment.

For more on Amazon, check out the podcast:

In the Pacific Heights neighborhood of San Francisco, Catherine Oshiro, a 33-year-old product designer, said lower prices may make her change her shopping routine.

“I usually buy my staples like toilet paper and paper towels at Target and Safeway,” Oshiro said. “If I see the lower prices at Whole Foods, I would start buying those basics here.”

Katie Bennett, 24, was one of many customers who said she hoped Amazon would offer delivery of Whole Foods items. She picked out a rotisserie-cooked half chicken for lunch at the New York store.

“Last time I came in, I was thinking about getting the rotisserie chicken, but it was too expensive,” she said.

Organic Foods’ Premium Prices and Uncertain Benefits: QuickTake

Rivals Adjust

Some rivals have already reacted to the kickoff of what could become a new era of selling food in the U.S. 

Wal-Mart, the world’s biggest retailer, has already invested billions into lowering prices across the board over the past year or so, and has revamped the produce section at its U.S stores, improving sight lines, adding more fresh-cut fruits and even creating a sweeter bespoke cantaloupe. That, along with an aggressive rollout of curbside grocery order pickup, helped the company record its best food sales growth in five years in its most recent quarter.

Costco, meanwhile, has a full slate of organic items that are priced about 30 percent cheaper than the same products at Whole Foods, according to Sanford Bernstein. It’s able to price lower thanks to a business model that charges membership fees, focuses on selling a limited assortment of bulk-sized goods and features a treasure-hunt experience in the stores.

Maarten van Tartwijk, a spokesman for Ahold Delhaize, the Dutch retailer that owns the Stop & Shop chain in the U.S., said the company has invested heavily in its online operation. And Germany-based retailers Aldi Stores Ltd. and Lidl, touting lower prices, continue to expand in the U.S.

Investors React

“We have the human connection, assets, scale and expertise to win with customers and we are leveraging our deep expertise in data to provide value and build loyalty -- so we can continue to serve customers anything, anytime and anywhere,” Kroger spokeswoman Kristal Howard said by email Friday.

After falling 37 percent this year on disappointing sales and investor concern over the Amazon-Whole Foods union, Kroger stayed essentially unchanged on Monday in New York.

Sprouts Farmers Market Inc., an upscale grocer that competes with Whole Foods and is cited by analysts as a possible consolidation target, decreased about 10 percent. Shares of Wal-Mart fell 0.8 percent and Target Corp. was down about 1 percent. Costco increased less than 1 percent. Amazon shares rose 0.08 percent.

“Goodbye, Whole Foods as we know it,” Karen Short, an analyst at Barclays Capital Inc. in New York, said in a note. “The conventional supermarket has not evolved much in decades. But Amazon will likely drive drastically different shopping behavior in grocery. The survival of the fittest has begun.”

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    Chelsea Clinton comes to Barron Trump’s defense after conservative criticism.

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    It's not often that the Tucker Carlson-founded Daily Caller criticizes President Trump, but that changed on Monday when the site went after his son.

    No, not Eric. Not Don Jr., either. The Daily Caller had a bone to pick with Trump's youngest son, Barron.

    Of all the things to raise the conservative outlet's hackles, it wasn't the president's coddling of white supremacists, his failure to enact any major pillars of policy, or his snap decision to ban an entire population group from the military — but rather the fact that his 11-year-old son wears T-shirts and shorts on summer vacation.

    To that, I have to ask: Are we still f-ing doing this?

    In this photo from June, Barron wears jeans and a T-shirt. You know, like regular kids wear. Photo by Chris Kleponis-Pool/Getty Images.

    The article, "It’s High Time Barron Trump Starts Dressing Like He’s In the White House" by Ford Springer, lambasted the youngest Trump for looking "like he was hopping on Air Force One for a trip to the movie theater" in a photo of the family returning from a recent trip. (The article also refers to President Trump, he of the ill-fitting suits and cartoonishly long ties, as "dapper" — so maybe Springer isn't the best qualified person to write about fashion? Sigh.)

    It was just a few months ago that we were all reminded that presidential children are off-limits.

    When a "Saturday Night Live" writer made an insensitive joke about Barron Trump, the White House responded, news outlets (including the Daily Caller) covered it, and the writer was eventually suspended (again, covered in detail by the Daily Caller, so they definitely know that the whole "criticizing presidents' kids" is a big no-no, right?). So why would the Daily Caller criticize Barron, and why would they do it now? Maybe it's for the sake of consistency since they regularly targeted Sasha and Malia Obama?

    Respecting the privacy of the president's children — especially those who are underage — isn't a new concept. Back in January, Chelsea Clinton stood up for Barron after he received a barrage of hate and criticism around the time of the inauguration, writing, "Barron Trump deserves the chance every child does — to be a kid."

    In response to the Daily Caller article, the former first daughter again came to Barron's defense.

    In conclusion, leave Barron alone. Seriously.

    There's a lot to criticize about Donald Trump, but no matter how you feel about him, leave his 11-year-old kid out of it. Barron didn't choose what family to be born into, and he shouldn't have to meet some arbitrary standards set by a complete stranger in the media. Growing up is tough enough as it is without having the world watching your every move, so let's all agree to cut Barron some slack.

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    ‘Game Of Thrones’ Finale Recap: Winter Came

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    Well friends, we’ve made it through another season of and what’s really fucking me up about this finale is that it didn’t give us a mind-numbing plot twist, horrifying death, or really anything that we didn’t expect. In fact, with the exception of maybe the death of Littlefinger (which I totally called but it’s fine), we all predicted just about everything that was going to happen in this finale. Jon and Dany banging? Check. Cersei somehow fucking up this truce? Check. Zombie Viserion wrecking the wall? Check. And yet, I’m still sitting here, two hours after the credits rolled, unable to formulate coherent thoughts.

    Because it was so damn good.

    Season seven was kind of crazy in that it gave us almost everything we wanted?? Sure, there were setbacks, but minimal ones when you consider the things we’ve suffered in the past. I spent most of this finale cheering when I fully expected myself to be on the ground weeping. But that’s the magic of : even when you know exactly what’s coming, you aren’t ready.

    KING’S LANDING

    Let’s just say that in a show of many amazing scenes and heart-wrenching reunions, nothing compares to the great Treaty of King’s Landing we were treated to at the opening. As Tyrion astutely points out later, no one gathered here likes each other. Actually, most of them openly despise each other. And yet, they’ve all come together to glare and discuss the possibility that all their petty shit doesn’t really compare to the army of zombies slowly marching their way. It’s a treat. There are so many beautiful single interactions, it’s hard to gloss over them all.

    First and foremost, Bronn sitting at the top of Highgarden, looking over the thousands of Unsullied soldiers and contemplating life without a penis is the single best representation of every straight man that I’ve ever had to interact with in my life.

    Bronn: What could you possibly do without a dick?
    Me: A whole lot fucking better, tbh.

    Also Bronn acting as the welcoming party to a bunch of people who have tried to murder each other is everything this already tense event needed. Like yeah, send out Ser Bronn of the Blackwater to be an emissary. He’s the face we want representing us.

    Jaime’s face while he listens to Cersei give the Mountain detailed instructions on who to murder first kind of makes me think this is the first time he’s recognizing how truly insane she is. Like…my dude….she blew up a church with hundreds of people in it. What did you really expect here?

    Cersei: Where the fuck is the dragon queen? Why didn’t she sail with the rest of them?
    Me: We all know her dramatic ass is about to soar in here on the back of Drogon. Cersei, PLEASE.

    Can we all take a minute to appreciate Jon Snow walking around in the near tropical climate of King’s Landing in full Northern furs? We get it. You’re a king. You still sweat.

    Last but certainly not least, Brienne and the Hound bonding over the fact that they’d both do just about anything to make sure Arya survives warmed what little part of my heart that this show hasn’t decimated.

    The entire crew comes together in the long abandoned dragon pit. If that seems like some obvious foreshadowing, it’s because it is. This pit is where dragons withered away and eventually died, kind of like how this truce is about to go.

    Cersei attempts a dramatic entrance after Jon, Tyrion, and their entire assorted crew has taken their places. What she doesn’t know but will soon be very familiar with: No one is more dramatic than Deanerys Targaryen.


     

    Hound: You’re even uglier than I am now
    Mountain:
    Hound: Yeah, well, this has been nice. Burn in hell.

    The brief reunion of the Clegane brothers does little for the single most awkward silence that settles in as everyone waits for the Mother of Dragons to ride her ass into this treaty. Luckily, they don’t have to wait long.

    Drogon:
    Jaime:
    Cersei:

    While she’s doing a very convincing job of playing it cool, Cersei’s mask drops for a second when Drogon lands in the pit. She’s nervous, and not for the last time during this meeting. While I get that this is a big dramatic show of power, all I can really think about are all those spoiled children who rode elephants into their birthday parties on . 

    Once everyone is seated and have re-secured their thoroughly snatched wigs, Tyrion attempts to start conversations. Unfortunately, he has yet to experience the singularly annoying experience of being in the vicinity of Euron Greyjoy.

    Dark Pacey Witter stands up and immediately tells Theon that he has Yara and will kill her if Theon doesn’t submit then and there. Sir. Please read the room.

    Tyrion: Who the fuck are you?
    Euron: Your sister’s fiancĂ©.
    Tyrion: Honestly idk which one of you I feel worse for.

    Even Cersei is fucking annoyed with Euron and tells him to shut up and sit down. Marriage is going to be super fun for these two.

    Tyrion starts off logically by pointing out the one thing they all have in common: no one in this circle likes each other.  No one can disagree here, but still not a great reason for a meeting. At this point Jon jumps in with his likely now trademarked speech about the Army of the Dead. Usually this performance brings a room to its knees, but Jon has never been a room with Cersei Lannister. She’s unmoved, even when Dany chimes in and promises a truce until after the White Walkers are dealt with.

    Enter the Hound, with a crate strapped to his back carrying the wight. I feel like there were probably better means of transportation here, but it’s fine. After a prolonged silence, the wight jumps out and immediately lunges for Cersei. If only they’d let it take her out, we could have solved half of the group’s issues in the first five minutes of the episode. But clearly their expedition was worth it because, finally, Cersei's resolve cracks. She is visibly shook, along with everyone in attendance. Except for Qyburn of course, who is visibly aroused at the sight of a real life zombie.

    In a move that shouldn’t have surprised anyone, Euron immediately bails, and announces that he’ll be taking his fleet back to the Iron Island, where they will be safe from White Walkers. Sure, wights can’t swim, but they’ve got a dragon. This plan seems flawed to me, and yet no one is stopping him, probably because they are all openly hoping Euron is the first to go.

    If you thought Cersei immediately accepting that truce was far too easy, it’s because it was. Yeah, she’s down to put their differences aside to fight the Army of the Undead, but only if Jon agrees to stay neutral in the ensuing war between her and Dany. Clearly she didn’t see their epic handholding session last week.

    Cersei knows that Ned Stark’s son would be too honorable to make a fake vow in front of every important person in Westeros, and she’s absolutely right. Which is why Jon, the man who is has been campaigning for peace in the face of the White Walkers at all fucking costs for the past six years, calmly and clearly denies her request.

    Dany: Um that was cute but also what the fuck
    Tyrion: You know what’s super cool, Jon? Lying.
    Jon: HONOR.

    Cersei storms off with Jaime and company in tow, and not even an impassioned plea from Brienne can get him to stick around. It is Cersei’s world and Jaime is just living in it. Now that Jon has tanked the truce that he has spent almost this entire show working towards, it’s become a fun game of “who is Cersei least likely to murder right now” as they all decide who to send in to try and talk some sense into her.

    Tyrion wins out in the end and opts to go try and convince Cersei to drop her ego in favor of not being turned into a zombie. Could you imagine a wight Cersei Lannister? Bye bye, Night King. There’s a new bitch in town and she looks good in black.

    He runs into Jaime on his way to his likely death and honestly, can we all just take a second and imagine the lovely life these two could have had if Cersei weren’t around? Imagine the laughter. The joy. The not always thinking about murdering each other. What fun.

    Cersei and Tyrion sitting here and hashing out 20-plus years’ worth of resentment is honestly the most realistic thing that’s ever happened on this show. It’s like any family holiday after the kids have gone to sleep and your mom and her sister are four bottles of wine deep. Secrets are coming out.

    Tyrion: Fucking kill me.
    Cersei:
    Tyrion: Man I did not see that coming, where is the wine?

    With all their feuding and hatred for each other I have completely failed to notice that the only thing these two have in common is their inhumane love of wine. Together they probably singlehandedly keep the Westerosi wine industry afloat.

    In the end, I think Tyrion’s saving grace is that Cersei knows he truly did care for Myrcella and Tommen, whose deaths she completely blames on him. Killing Tywin made the Lannisters weak, and circling families moved in and started hacking away at their power. She tries to go on some lengthy speech about family over all, but Tyrion cuts her off immediately with the realization that she’s pregnant. He figured it out faster than I did, and I watched the episode where she actually announced it.

    Back in the dragon pit, Jon and Dany have gone into their own secret pow wow, rehashing the fact that their grand plan is essentially went up in smoke because of Jon’s giant crush on her.

    Dany talks about how chaining up dragons was the beginning of the end for her family and how their death brought the realization that without dragons, the Targaryens were nothing. This might be her projecting a bit after the loss of Viserion, but best boyfriend in the world Jon Snow is having none of that self-deprecating bullshit. He believes in her, with or without dragons, with or without children, and especially with or without clothing if you catch my drift.

    Dany: I can’t have children.
    Jon: Who told you that?
    Dany: This random blood witch who murdered my husband and spoke exclusively in riddles.
    Jon: Ah yes, a trusted source then.

    Honestly I’ve never watched two people eye-fuck each other so aggressively while discussing the impending apocalypse. Someone get these two a room STAT.

    Tyrion walks back into the arena and everyone is shocked to see him alive. They’re even more shocked about what follows…Cersei and her entire squad. She’s agreed to the truce under some new rules: The Lannister armies will not stand down, but they will march North to fight alongside Jon and Dany.

    Spoiler alert: She’s lying. It’s this thing adults do. Someone please explain it to Jon.

    Cersei: When all this shit is done, maybe all you assholes can remember that I agreed to help despite the fact that you’re all going to try and murder me anyway.
    Jon: Noted.
    Dany:

    WINTERFELL

    Up North, Sansa finally finds out that Jon has bent the knee to Dany and she is less than psyched. To be fair, without any context this is kind of a big deal and you know Jon’s eloquence in war battles does not extend to letters to his sister. In modern times, Jon Snow definitely reads iMessage novels and responds with a “K.” His letter probably went something like “Sansa, I am bending the knee to Dany. Talk soon. X. Jon. PS – Winter is Coming.” Thanks for the overwhelming lack of details.


     

    Sansa: I can’t believe he’d do this
    Littlefinger: I mean…Daenerys is crazy hot
    Sansa: What does that have to do with anything?
    Littlefinger: …oh right, you’re like 15, huh.

    Baelish is not so subtly implying that Sansa should overthrow Jon and if that means getting rid of Arya in the process…so be it. He puts the idea in Sansa’s head that Arya only came back to kill Sansa for betraying their family and marrying their enemies. He convinces her that Arya’s grand plot is to become Lady of Winterfell, despite the fact that Arya has made it clear she’s never wanted to rule anything. I swear to GOD if this isn’t just some ploy by Arya and Sansa to kill Littlefinger and they actually turn on each other I will lose my goddamn mind.

    The good news is I’m a prophet, and that’s exactly what it was.

    DAGONSTONE

    Jon, Dany, and the team are already strategizing their move North. Jorah suggests that Dany fly to Winterfell to avoid coming into contact with any lingering enemies in the North, but Jon argues that arriving together will actually help the Northerners believe that Dany and Jon are allies. Also, all that romantic travel time together? Can you imagine?

    Dany decides to sail together, because riding in on a dragon might look like she’s there to fuck shit up rather than save everyone. Jorah, assuredly back in the friend zone, takes this loss in stride. Jon, victorious, is surely en route to pound town.

    Theon pulls Jon aside to rehash the incident in King’s Landing and discuss his general role in the fall of the Starks.

    Theon: So…you told Cersei the truth…when you could have lied.
    Jon: Yeah I think we’ve all covered that at this point.

    Until this moment I kind of forgot that Jon and Theon really did grow up together. But while Theon sits there and recounts all the times that Jon was right, even when he was young, it makes you remember that once upon a time, everyone wasn’t trying to murder each other all the time. I’m nostalgic for something I never even got to experience because this show has effectively turned me into a puddle of unnecessary and unwanted emotion. Jon and Theon were both unwanted sons whose only saving grace was that Ned Stark had too much honor to do anything other than raise them as his own. I’m not crying. It’s fine.

    Jon: I’ve done a lot of things I regret.
    Theon: Not compared to me.
    Jon: No shit, you’re actual garbage.

    Theon’s come-to-Jesus moment about doing the right thing is cute, but honestly so poorly timed. Like dude, there are some fairly pressing matters to attend to but sure, let’s discuss your daddy issues right now.

    Jon: I forgive you, you spineless worm.

    Theon:

    Jon’s speech about Theon not having to choose his identity between Greyjoy and Stark is some very serious foreshadowing for the undoubtedly near future when Jon finds out he’s got a similar decision to make: Stark or Targaryen. What are the odds that Bran busts in moments after him and Dany are done banging to let him know that they are in fact related? Considering Brann’s general lack of timing or usefulness, I’m going to go with Very High.

    Theon lets Jon know that he’s finally grown a pair and is going to go save Yara. Hope he wasn’t looking for any kind of congratulations, because he absolutely isn’t getting one from the Honorable Jon Snow, who would have busted Euron’s door down three weeks ago to save his sister.


     

    The rest of the Iron Islanders are not so moved by Theon’s sudden surge of bravery. They have no plans to rescue Yara, and instead are looking to save themselves and hide out until Winter passes.

    Iron Islander: We’re going to sail to a quiet island, kill all the men, rape the women, and then build a life on their graves.
    Theon: Calm down, Christopher Columbus.

    A fight ensues in which Theon gets wrecked in front of all his men, likely losing any last bits of respect they might have for him. All in a day’s work for poor Reek.

    Iron Islander: Stay down or I will kill you.
    Theon: Promise?

    The tides turn when the dude goes to knee Theon in the balls and is met with no resistance. Like, Theon actually smiles while the guy is going to town on his crotch. At this point, every other man watching this fight take place immediately switches sides because no one wants to be against the guy who laughs while he’s getting kicked in the dick.

    For potentially the first time in his life, Theon wins. His men applaud him, and they’re off on their way to save Yara. Better late than never, I guess.

    WINTERFELL

    Sansa summons Arya to the Great Hall for what I’m really hoping is a big fake display of tension that ends in the murder of Littlefinger. I mean, Brann is there. What could possibly go wrong?

    Arya looks a bit uneasy surrounded by soldiers. Sansa tells her that what’s about to happen isn’t something that she wants to do but something that she has to do for the North, and then proceeds to start listing charges. Murder and treason are on the table, and someone needs to answer to them. But who is that person?

    MOTHER FUCKING PETYR BAELISH. THAT’S RIGHT. NO ONE FUCKS WITH THE STARKS.


     

    Sansa: How do you plea?
    Arya: My sister asked you a question.
    Petyr: * KILL BILL SIRENS *

    Sansa starts reading off the charges that Baelish has racked up since season one and honestly, it is wild. I forgot half the shit he’s pulled, including instigating the conflict between the Starks and the Lannisters aka the reason everyone is in this mess in the first place. Maybe another day, Petyr could talk his way out of this, but that was before Bran, Master of Receipts showed up to start taking people down. Fucking finally.

    Baelish: I loved your mother since I was a boy.
    Sansa: Sucks.
    Baelish: I loved you more than anyone.
    Sansa: Yikes.

    Sansa thanks Petyr for all he’s taught her and then lets Arya slice his throat. This entire room of hard-ass Northerners watches him bleed out on the floor and

    I
    AM
    LIVING.

    Sansa: * Commands the death of Petyr Baelish after he spent years plotting against her family, manipulating her, and generally being a giant fucking creep *
    Me: Skin clears, hair shining, crops flourishing, credit score raising, living my best life.

    KING’S LANDING

    Cersei interrupts Jaime’s strategy session to let him know that he’s a fucking idiot for believing anything she’s ever said. Fair.

    Cersei: I have no intention of helping them fight the White Walkers and I never did.

    All of us:

     
    Sure, she’s completely betrayed everyone again and did the one thing Jon wouldn’t do, but Cersei makes a pretty fair point: If dragons and the Dothraki and Jon, the zombie expert, can’t take out the White Walkers, what good would a southern army do? Cersei knows that Dany is down a dragon which means something is up. She’s confident that the army of the Iron Bank, the 20,000 strong Golden Company made up of mercenaries, will come through for them once Jon and Dany have defeated the Army of the Dead, and she knows this because Euron left their little powwow and sailed straight to Essos to recruit them.

    Cersei: No one walks away from me.
    Jaime: Yeah I’m starting to see that.

    Jaime is pissed that Cersei conspired with Euron behind his back and tells her that he’s going to honor his pledge and take their armies North anyway. Cersei threatens to charge him with treason, and for the second time this episode one of Cersei’s brothers dares her to kill him. However, this time, she doesn’t seem to hesitate.

    That’s right. Cersei came closer to killing Jaime then she did Tyrion, and that is the single most shocking thing to happen in this finale. Not even I, the great prophet, saw it coming.

    Sure, Jaime does walk away in the end, but there was a moment where we all weren’t sure if he would. Like that, Cersei has severed her last true ally, the only one who cares about her and not her power.
    As Jaime rides away, hopefully North, hopefully into Brienne’s steady and strong arms, it begins to snow. In the South. This does not bode well for anyone, but especially not for all those poor souls in Fleabottom.

    POUND TOWN

    Sam and Gilly arrive in Winterfell, and Sam heads straight to see Brann. I realize this is going to be an important conversation but I’m already mad that I have to listen to it.

    Sam: What happened to you beyond the wall?
    Brann: A lot of not chill shit.

    Bran gives Same an explanation of the Three Eyed Raven business that he should have given Sansa and Arya about two weeks ago. He also tells Sam that Jon is en route to Winterfell with Daenerys, and that he needs to know the truth about who he is ASAP.

    Sam: What are you talking about?
    Bran: R + L = J
    Sam: Of course.

    For real, Bran just fucking lays out the entirety R + L = J for Sam and the whole world stopped, as if we all haven’t known this to be absolutely true for the past year.

    Bran: Yeah so his last name should be Sand. Wild right.
    Sam:

    Somehow, Sam brings a little fact to the table that magic-ass Bran didn’t know: Jon isn’t a bastard. Just like the scroll that Gilly read told us all two weeks ago, Rhaegar annulled his marriage to Elia and married Lyanna in secret. Bran has a vision to support this seconds later.

    These two giant fucking nerds are having the epiphany of a lifetime in a quiet room in Winterfell: that Robert’s entire rebellion was built on a literal throne of lies. Jon is legitimate, the heir to the throne, and this entire voiceover is occurring as he heads to Daenerys’ room, his AUNT’S ROOM, for some sweet, sweet, incestuous sex.

    That sound you heard Sunday night was every single person in America screeching at the exact same time.

    The voiceover also heavily implies that Jon and Dany are in love and that sound you hear is the screeching of every single person in America as we all openly root for incest. Can’t wait for all of this to come crashing down when they both arrive to Winterfell and Bran drops some knowledge on them.

    Jon finding out he fell in love with his aunt:

    Dany finding out that she fell in with her rival: 

    Lyanna: His name is Aegon.
    Ned: JON YOU SAY? A FINE NAME.

    Like. Yes. We all knew this was the truth. We all knew this would happen. But listening to Bran’s monotone voice fucking confirm that Jon, the bastard who has suffered everything, was never really a bastard at all and in fact the one true heir to the Iron Throne while he and Dany stare lovingly into each other’s eyes, butt-ass naked, is going to be the end of me. I’m calling in sick to work for the rest of the week. No one talk to me.

    Engrave “He’s never been a bastard. He’s the heir to the Iron Throne” on my fucking gravestone.

    WINTERFELL

    Sansa and Arya bonding over the cold-blooded murder of Littlefinger is the only thing keeping me from passing out at this moment. The two of them sit there, compliment and insult each other, and then quote Ned and it’s fine we’re all just sobbing.

    Down at the Weirwood, acting like he hasn’t just singlehandedly ruined and saved all our lies, Brann is having yet another vision. In it, Tormund and Beric are holding down the fort at Eastwatch, looking out into that vast expanse of the North.

    Except, by holding down the fort, I mean watching as the entire White Walker army comes marching out of the trees towards the wall. There’s a noticeable addition to their ranks: Viserion, who shows up to shoot some blue fire at the wall and also directly into my god damn heart. To make matters worse, THE NIGHT KING IS RIDING HIM. SURE. FINE. THIS IS FINE.

    Tormund and Beric don’t even fuck around with pretending to try and fight. They just start screaming, letting everyone know that it’s time to get the fuck out of there. You know what’s really effective at tearing down a giant magical ice wall that’s stood for centuries? Zombie dragon fire. No one even has to yell Dracarys. Viserion just goes to town on the wall and an entire section of it crumbles down like it’s made of Legos.

    Just like that, the White Walkers have breached the wall and begin their march into the North. Meanwhile, Jon and Dany are hanging out on their love boat, blissfully unaware that they’re related and sailing towards imminent death.

    It's fine. Really.

    Oh, and we won’t get to find out what happens until 2019, which gives us plenty of time to recover, reflect, and then immediately start writing think pieces about how this all goes down. The only thing I can sit here and say with 100% confidence is that it's not going to be a happy ending for anyone.

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