If there are two kinds of people who have ruined the internet, it’s those who post about their workout routines, and those who constantly flaunt their engagements. There’s nothing that makes me smash the “unfollow” button like an unnecessary gym selfie or a hand unnaturally posed to show off an engagement rock. When you combine these together, you get the absolute worst person to follow: a bride-to-be who is sweating for the wedding.
Like, are these people even just trying to get skinny? Or are they just part of a months-long campaign to remind the world that they exercise and convinced someone to agree to spend the rest of their life with them? Anyway, sweating for the wedding is actually the worst idea ever, and here are a few reasons why. (Besides the fact that your fiancé is probably crushing craft beers and getting a head start on his dad bod while you’re sweating your self-tanner off at hot yoga.)
Sidenote: I would just like to point out that “sweating for the wedding” is a slant rhyme, and only rappers can really pull those off. It does not look cute on the faux gold foil tank top you bought from Etsy or Charming Charlie, and it certainly does not need to be Instagrammed. Okay, here we go.
You Are Literally Paying To Have Your Dress Altered
In Bride Wars, there’s a line where Anne Hathaway’s character gets told, “You don’t alter a Vera to fit you, you alter yourself to fit Vera.” I mean, yeah, this is kind of funny in a romantic comedy, but it’s bullsh*t when applied to real life.
Brides usually have about three dress fittings to make sure that their wedding gowns are perfectly altered to their body. There are literally people whose entire job is dedicated to helping you find a dress that you will look amazing in. Sure, I’ve never needed to fit into a wedding dress, so I may be naive. But I have had a crop top and denim shorts outfit that I really wanted to wear to a Wiz Khalifa concert once, and it didn’t look good, so I wore something else. Feels like a pretty solvable problem, no?
Restricting Your Alcohol Intake Could Ruin Your Wedding
Again, I have never been married, but I have completed a cycle of the Whole30 diet. And do you know what it taught me? That I effing love to eat grains, and that I never want to go an entire month without drinking alcohol ever again. I practically almost died the first time I drank after eating leaves and raw fish for a month, and if you take these measures to prep for your wedding, you’ll probably black out and ruin the entire night right after the Champagne toast. I personally believe that you should dedicate the weeks leading up to your wedding to building your tolerance so you don’t embarrass yourself. Puking at your own party is a lot worse than having a flabby armpit over your strapless gown.
Even if you’re not really concerned about ruining your alcohol tolerance, think about what’s going to happen to your delicate stomach when you try cake for the first time in months at your reception.
It’s Not Even A Good Way To Get Fit
I’m not a fitness expert, but basically every time one of them talks about debunking exercise myths, they mention the fact that fitness scams and quick ways to lose weight don’t work. Shocking, right? Who would have thought that a juice cleanse or cellulite cream would be anything less than effective? It’s fine to want to make changes to your lifestyle in order to improve your health and appearance, but unless you’re a beauty blogger making bank off a waist trainer, it’s counterproductive to try quick fixes.
If you’re serious about making a change, it should be a realistic lifestyle adjustment that not only makes you feel confident wearing a crop top to spin class, but makes you feel better overall, too. As a general rule of thumb, remember this: if a Kardashian is getting paid to promote it, it’s probably not legit.
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